Am I Good Enough?

So, my six month commitment to dating and to making an effort to find a mate for life is slowly coming to a close. There are exactly 34 days left. Does that mean that all of this should come to an immediate end? Not necessarily. But this experience to this point has left a lot to be desired. In fact, sometimes, I wonder if it's been too hard on me. And much of it has left me wondering, "am I good enough?"


There have been no happy endings up to this point. I have yet to meet anyone I would even be friends with and the rejection I've experienced may have been easier to handle ten years ago. I suppose no matter how hard I tried to eliminate the expectation factor from the equation, it still lingered in the back of my mind. After all, the whole point of this journey was to find the one, the man for me. And while I am an old pro at just having fun, I could never deny that in the midst of a good time, I caught myself making decisions about whether I'd go out with a guy again or have another conversation with him or continue conversing via email. And the decisions were definitive. The fun always ended with something... final.

There's a small part of me that takes comfort in the fact that none of these guys continued to pursue me either. If they believed that I was worth another date, they'd have given it another shot. They would have called. If they wanted to know more about me, they would have written again or called again. But they didn't. Not one of them. Perhaps it was because I was obviously not interested but I can't shake the thought that in every case, it very well could have been that I am not good enough.

Lately, I have been picking myself apart and almost itemizing the reasons why no guy should want to be with me. There's a whole laundry list of past transgressions that, while I don't regret them, make me less of a commodity in a man's future.

I have never needed affirmation from a man in my life. My confidence never wavered. I always believed I was an intelligent, beautiful woman with a great job and a good life that had so much to offer. But now.... after all of this... I don't know anymore.

Am I good enough?

Disappointment

The road to love is often paved with disappointment. And the route you take when you make a commitment to date is too.

It's not as if disappointment is a foreign feeling for me. I have attempted to "settle down" three times. The first man with whom I thought I might spend the rest of my life had no intention of getting married. Not to me anyway... He ended up marrying a friend of ours. The second was a man with whom I had a relationship on and off for six years. He knew my heart. And he also knew that he was most likely to break my heart so he bowed out after we had the big talk. Last winter, I thought the third time must be the charm but the third time was just a man who charmed me into believing he was something that he wasn't. I know disappointment.

Remembering that your past does not dictate your future is not always as easy as it sounds. So the familiarity of disappointment lingers in the back of my mind at every turn. And when a potential date begins to materialize, I prepare myself to be disappointed. I initiate all my failure gear. And I'm careful not to get my hopes up, thanks to my disenchanted past.

Now I'm worried that I am projecting something so negative into the atmosphere that I won't get the chance to take a chance on finding something real. And I think I may be jinxing myself. So when the opportunity presented itself to try another way, I did.

For a moment or five over the last week, I pulled up the gear and checked my disappointment at the door and I allowed myself to get my hopes up. I saw a very real possibility that caused my spirit to leap. I anticipated new and exciting and rewarding.

And then it came anyway. Disappointment.

Old Familiar Faces

Along the way in this journey I have come across some old familiar faces. On three separate occasions, I've been paired up by dating sites with guys with whom I went to elementary school. And, once we've gotten past the awkwardness of acknowledging that we are perusing online dating sites for potential mates and the surprise of being matched up with one another on those sites, it's been fun.

But how should you handle such a situation? As with most situations in life, honesty is definitely the best policy. You should reconnect and lay your cards on the table. Are you both on the online dating site for the same reason. If so, then the possibility is worth a second look.

Then you ask more questions like, do you have common interests and are there any glaring reasons why this might not be a good idea. And you have to assess the risks. What if it doesn't work out? Who will it affect and how will it affect our future?

I have heard many people say that they don't want to pursue a relationship with someone they are already friends with because their chemistry is too good to risk destroying the relationship. And I've heard others say that dating someone they previously knew as a friend or coworker or classmate is out of the question because life is comfortable as is. I believe it's a risk worth taking. If your chemistry is so fantastic, it will still be intact if things don't work out. And even though you enjoy the memories you already have, making new memories might be fun.

I guess I've learned that you shouldn't freak out if you stumble upon old familiar faces along the way. It's only awkward and strange for a moment. And then it provides at the very least, a laugh. And at the most, a partner for life.

Date Night with the Girls

I am finding it increasingly more fun to hang out with my friends than it is to date. Perhaps it is all of my fantastic and fun friends who are to blame for my singleness!

There is nothing like a gathering of two or more women to ignite intelligent and humorous conversation, to stir emotions and to provide affirmation or confirmation. There's nobody I'd rather share my feelings and thoughts and ideas and dreams with... There's nobody I'd rather drink mango margaritas with or conspire to to good (or bad) with...

My friends are amazing. There is endless diversity among them in age and race and political or religious beliefs. They are equal parts married and single. Some have kids, some don't... They are fat and thin and blondes and brunettes and red heads. They are short and tall. Some are slightly crazy and others are just crazy fun!

They are the people who gently shoot down my bad ideas and encourage the good ones. My friends help me make up my mind in the rare moment when I don't know what I want. They pretend to see my vision when they have no idea what I am plotting or planning and they co-pilot every spontaneous excursion on which I embark.

They laugh with me and cry with me and yell at me when I need it. They hug me when I need it too.

With the exception of sex and procreation necessities, I have everything I need in my friends. And that is why, on most occasions, I'd rather have a date night with the girls than a date with some guy.