Am I Good Enough?

So, my six month commitment to dating and to making an effort to find a mate for life is slowly coming to a close. There are exactly 34 days left. Does that mean that all of this should come to an immediate end? Not necessarily. But this experience to this point has left a lot to be desired. In fact, sometimes, I wonder if it's been too hard on me. And much of it has left me wondering, "am I good enough?"


There have been no happy endings up to this point. I have yet to meet anyone I would even be friends with and the rejection I've experienced may have been easier to handle ten years ago. I suppose no matter how hard I tried to eliminate the expectation factor from the equation, it still lingered in the back of my mind. After all, the whole point of this journey was to find the one, the man for me. And while I am an old pro at just having fun, I could never deny that in the midst of a good time, I caught myself making decisions about whether I'd go out with a guy again or have another conversation with him or continue conversing via email. And the decisions were definitive. The fun always ended with something... final.

There's a small part of me that takes comfort in the fact that none of these guys continued to pursue me either. If they believed that I was worth another date, they'd have given it another shot. They would have called. If they wanted to know more about me, they would have written again or called again. But they didn't. Not one of them. Perhaps it was because I was obviously not interested but I can't shake the thought that in every case, it very well could have been that I am not good enough.

Lately, I have been picking myself apart and almost itemizing the reasons why no guy should want to be with me. There's a whole laundry list of past transgressions that, while I don't regret them, make me less of a commodity in a man's future.

I have never needed affirmation from a man in my life. My confidence never wavered. I always believed I was an intelligent, beautiful woman with a great job and a good life that had so much to offer. But now.... after all of this... I don't know anymore.

Am I good enough?