With the latest developments in the Craigslist killer case in Boston, I believe a safety reminder is in order.
Ladies, I shouldn't have to tell you that your first meeting with a man should NEVER take place at his home. Not only because the situation is completely unsafe but also because a man who intends to develop a relationship with you does not take you home before he takes you out. Meet in a public place. There is safety in numbers.
Here are some other safety tips for online daters, courtesy of Match.com:
DO tell a friend.Tell at least one friend or family member you are meeting, where you are going and when you expect to return. Let your date know the meeting is not a secret.
Tip: Contact your friend before and after the date or ask your friend to contact you at a predetermined time.
DO stay sober.Refrain from drinking excessively, as it could impair your ability to make good decisions and may put you at risk.
Tip: Stick to nonalcoholic drinks when meeting someone for the first time.
DON'T leave home without your mobile phone.If you have a mobile phone, take it with you on dates. Most cell phones can be used to call 911.
Tip: Make sure 911 services are available in your area. If not, know your emergency number.
DON'T ask the other person to pick you up.Get yourself to and from the date, even if you have to have a friend drive you or take a taxi.
DON'T leave personal belongings (purses, wallets) or drinks unattended.Don't risk having your personal information stolen. The same goes for your drink — don't risk having it tampered with.
Tip: If you must leave your drink unattended to go to the restroom, order another when you return.
DON'T succumb to the temptation to take first dates to your home (or to go to his/her home). Stay in a public place, even if you are pressured. If you feel pressured, end the meeting and leave at once.
Tip: If you are followed to where you parked your car, stop and hail a taxi or go into another public place to use the telephone and phone a friend. Come back later with your friend to get your car.
April 21, 2009
April 20, 2009
Blue Light Special
No woman needs a man who is full of excuses.
With a flurry of ifs, ands and maybes, men keep us perched on the edge of our seats awaiting their next moves. Will he show up or won't he? Will he call or won't he? And the man who keeps us waiting with anticipation is usually full of excuses too.
It's funny how we tend to put up with less from our female friends than we do from the men in our lives. We lower the bar even more for the men we haven't quite pulled in yet. It's like we give them the blue light special on standards because we think if we make it easy on them, they'll want us more.
So, in an ideal situation... A place where women are coherent, clear-thinking individuals who are not blinded by the possibilities or pretty white teeth or the fine ass in those jeans... How many excuses are too many? What's the cut off number? If he says "no" 3 times, do you walk away? If he doesn't show up once, do you call it quits? When do you say when?
I think it's time to make some rules and stick to them no matter how hot or rich or "perfect" he is. No woman needs a man who is full of excuses.
March 23, 2009
Serious Comedy
Comedian Steve Harvey's book ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE A MAN shot to the top of the best seller list and found it's way into my hands a short time later. The subtitle on the cover says, "WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS, AND COMMITMENT." How could a girl pass up a tell-all like that?
Typically, I don't read. But it took me all of three days to get through all 232 pages of Steve Harvey wisdom. Some will say it's just more of the same, more of the "He's Just Not That Into You" craze that keeps bubbling up around the country. But I disagree. If you are a single woman who cannot figure out WHY you are single, this is a great read that is filled with truth and advice. In fact, that is the fundamental difference between the two afore-mentioned books. Women who keep chasing after men who have rejected them should read "He's Just Not That Into You." Women who are amazing, independent, together females should read Steve Harvey's book.
For years, I have said, "I don't need a man in my life. But I want a man." And being a modern, independent woman who sets herself apart from all the damsels in distress out there, I thought I was making not only a profound statement but also a statement that men longed to hear. Part of that has grown out of dating men who had a lot of money and whose previous relationships involved women who sponged off of them. I did not want to be that woman. Another part of it grew out of the constant training to become the woman I am today.
I've always known than men are designed to care for their women but Steve Harvey's book was a reminder. It made me take a long hard look at how I have been presenting myself and the image I have portrayed. When I sat back and thought about it for a while, I remembered what I always wanted as a child.
I want to be a wife. And I want to be a mom. And I want a man that can provide for his family. Just like the family I grew up in... Not only do I want it but, I need it.
Typically, I don't read. But it took me all of three days to get through all 232 pages of Steve Harvey wisdom. Some will say it's just more of the same, more of the "He's Just Not That Into You" craze that keeps bubbling up around the country. But I disagree. If you are a single woman who cannot figure out WHY you are single, this is a great read that is filled with truth and advice. In fact, that is the fundamental difference between the two afore-mentioned books. Women who keep chasing after men who have rejected them should read "He's Just Not That Into You." Women who are amazing, independent, together females should read Steve Harvey's book.
For years, I have said, "I don't need a man in my life. But I want a man." And being a modern, independent woman who sets herself apart from all the damsels in distress out there, I thought I was making not only a profound statement but also a statement that men longed to hear. Part of that has grown out of dating men who had a lot of money and whose previous relationships involved women who sponged off of them. I did not want to be that woman. Another part of it grew out of the constant training to become the woman I am today.
I've always known than men are designed to care for their women but Steve Harvey's book was a reminder. It made me take a long hard look at how I have been presenting myself and the image I have portrayed. When I sat back and thought about it for a while, I remembered what I always wanted as a child.
I want to be a wife. And I want to be a mom. And I want a man that can provide for his family. Just like the family I grew up in... Not only do I want it but, I need it.
March 16, 2009
Sexting, Texting & Other Disturbing Dating Trends
News reports say that sexting, or the act of sending a text message that contains sexual content, is the latest in disturbing trends among teenagers. However, I would challenge the media to take a longer look at the practice. Adults are engaging in sexting just as often, if not more, than today's kids. In fact, I would count sexting among a number of disturbing trends I uncovered while actively participating in the dating world over the last six months.
Did I personally receive sex messages? Yes. Many times. Text messages and emails were sent to me containing pictures, videos and sexually explicit invitations. Initially, I didn't know how to respond. I was in shock for a moment before I was a little hurt and then angry. What kind of girl does a guy have to think you are before he sends you a dirty message?
Text messages in general have become such an accepted method of communication that I actually think it inhibits the dating process and not just when the messages are of a sexual nature. I am very comfortable with texting. Too comfortable maybe because I often find myself choosing to type out a message rather than make a phone call. So much is lost in translation when a conversation lacks tonality and rhythm and volume. Twice I had dates cancel on my via text message. TWICE. So now it's acceptable for guys to cancel without calling?
Sexting and texting are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the lack of etiquette in this system that dating has become. All the rules from my twenties are null and void. The "3 dates before sex" rule apparently doesn't exist any more. Either does the "meet in a public place for the first date" rule. "The guy pays" rule is totally out the window too. For the last six months, I have felt like I've been living on another planet. I'm an alien in the new dating world.
I am a big fan of fashion trends and car trend and travel trends. But dating trends? Most of them, I can live without.
Did I personally receive sex messages? Yes. Many times. Text messages and emails were sent to me containing pictures, videos and sexually explicit invitations. Initially, I didn't know how to respond. I was in shock for a moment before I was a little hurt and then angry. What kind of girl does a guy have to think you are before he sends you a dirty message?
Text messages in general have become such an accepted method of communication that I actually think it inhibits the dating process and not just when the messages are of a sexual nature. I am very comfortable with texting. Too comfortable maybe because I often find myself choosing to type out a message rather than make a phone call. So much is lost in translation when a conversation lacks tonality and rhythm and volume. Twice I had dates cancel on my via text message. TWICE. So now it's acceptable for guys to cancel without calling?
Sexting and texting are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the lack of etiquette in this system that dating has become. All the rules from my twenties are null and void. The "3 dates before sex" rule apparently doesn't exist any more. Either does the "meet in a public place for the first date" rule. "The guy pays" rule is totally out the window too. For the last six months, I have felt like I've been living on another planet. I'm an alien in the new dating world.
I am a big fan of fashion trends and car trend and travel trends. But dating trends? Most of them, I can live without.
January 26, 2009
Am I Good Enough?
So, my six month commitment to dating and to making an effort to find a mate for life is slowly coming to a close. There are exactly 34 days left. Does that mean that all of this should come to an immediate end? Not necessarily. But this experience to this point has left a lot to be desired. In fact, sometimes, I wonder if it's been too hard on me. And much of it has left me wondering, "am I good enough?"
There have been no happy endings up to this point. I have yet to meet anyone I would even be friends with and the rejection I've experienced may have been easier to handle ten years ago. I suppose no matter how hard I tried to eliminate the expectation factor from the equation, it still lingered in the back of my mind. After all, the whole point of this journey was to find the one, the man for me. And while I am an old pro at just having fun, I could never deny that in the midst of a good time, I caught myself making decisions about whether I'd go out with a guy again or have another conversation with him or continue conversing via email. And the decisions were definitive. The fun always ended with something... final.
There's a small part of me that takes comfort in the fact that none of these guys continued to pursue me either. If they believed that I was worth another date, they'd have given it another shot. They would have called. If they wanted to know more about me, they would have written again or called again. But they didn't. Not one of them. Perhaps it was because I was obviously not interested but I can't shake the thought that in every case, it very well could have been that I am not good enough.
Lately, I have been picking myself apart and almost itemizing the reasons why no guy should want to be with me. There's a whole laundry list of past transgressions that, while I don't regret them, make me less of a commodity in a man's future.
I have never needed affirmation from a man in my life. My confidence never wavered. I always believed I was an intelligent, beautiful woman with a great job and a good life that had so much to offer. But now.... after all of this... I don't know anymore.
Am I good enough?
There have been no happy endings up to this point. I have yet to meet anyone I would even be friends with and the rejection I've experienced may have been easier to handle ten years ago. I suppose no matter how hard I tried to eliminate the expectation factor from the equation, it still lingered in the back of my mind. After all, the whole point of this journey was to find the one, the man for me. And while I am an old pro at just having fun, I could never deny that in the midst of a good time, I caught myself making decisions about whether I'd go out with a guy again or have another conversation with him or continue conversing via email. And the decisions were definitive. The fun always ended with something... final.
There's a small part of me that takes comfort in the fact that none of these guys continued to pursue me either. If they believed that I was worth another date, they'd have given it another shot. They would have called. If they wanted to know more about me, they would have written again or called again. But they didn't. Not one of them. Perhaps it was because I was obviously not interested but I can't shake the thought that in every case, it very well could have been that I am not good enough.
Lately, I have been picking myself apart and almost itemizing the reasons why no guy should want to be with me. There's a whole laundry list of past transgressions that, while I don't regret them, make me less of a commodity in a man's future.
I have never needed affirmation from a man in my life. My confidence never wavered. I always believed I was an intelligent, beautiful woman with a great job and a good life that had so much to offer. But now.... after all of this... I don't know anymore.
Am I good enough?
January 14, 2009
Disappointment
The road to love is often paved with disappointment. And the route you take when you make a commitment to date is too.
It's not as if disappointment is a foreign feeling for me. I have attempted to "settle down" three times. The first man with whom I thought I might spend the rest of my life had no intention of getting married. Not to me anyway... He ended up marrying a friend of ours. The second was a man with whom I had a relationship on and off for six years. He knew my heart. And he also knew that he was most likely to break my heart so he bowed out after we had the big talk. Last winter, I thought the third time must be the charm but the third time was just a man who charmed me into believing he was something that he wasn't. I know disappointment.
Remembering that your past does not dictate your future is not always as easy as it sounds. So the familiarity of disappointment lingers in the back of my mind at every turn. And when a potential date begins to materialize, I prepare myself to be disappointed. I initiate all my failure gear. And I'm careful not to get my hopes up, thanks to my disenchanted past.
Now I'm worried that I am projecting something so negative into the atmosphere that I won't get the chance to take a chance on finding something real. And I think I may be jinxing myself. So when the opportunity presented itself to try another way, I did.
For a moment or five over the last week, I pulled up the gear and checked my disappointment at the door and I allowed myself to get my hopes up. I saw a very real possibility that caused my spirit to leap. I anticipated new and exciting and rewarding.
And then it came anyway. Disappointment.
It's not as if disappointment is a foreign feeling for me. I have attempted to "settle down" three times. The first man with whom I thought I might spend the rest of my life had no intention of getting married. Not to me anyway... He ended up marrying a friend of ours. The second was a man with whom I had a relationship on and off for six years. He knew my heart. And he also knew that he was most likely to break my heart so he bowed out after we had the big talk. Last winter, I thought the third time must be the charm but the third time was just a man who charmed me into believing he was something that he wasn't. I know disappointment.
Remembering that your past does not dictate your future is not always as easy as it sounds. So the familiarity of disappointment lingers in the back of my mind at every turn. And when a potential date begins to materialize, I prepare myself to be disappointed. I initiate all my failure gear. And I'm careful not to get my hopes up, thanks to my disenchanted past.
Now I'm worried that I am projecting something so negative into the atmosphere that I won't get the chance to take a chance on finding something real. And I think I may be jinxing myself. So when the opportunity presented itself to try another way, I did.
For a moment or five over the last week, I pulled up the gear and checked my disappointment at the door and I allowed myself to get my hopes up. I saw a very real possibility that caused my spirit to leap. I anticipated new and exciting and rewarding.
And then it came anyway. Disappointment.
January 11, 2009
Old Familiar Faces
Along the way in this journey I have come across some old familiar faces. On three separate occasions, I've been paired up by dating sites with guys with whom I went to elementary school. And, once we've gotten past the awkwardness of acknowledging that we are perusing online dating sites for potential mates and the surprise of being matched up with one another on those sites, it's been fun.
But how should you handle such a situation? As with most situations in life, honesty is definitely the best policy. You should reconnect and lay your cards on the table. Are you both on the online dating site for the same reason. If so, then the possibility is worth a second look.
Then you ask more questions like, do you have common interests and are there any glaring reasons why this might not be a good idea. And you have to assess the risks. What if it doesn't work out? Who will it affect and how will it affect our future?
I have heard many people say that they don't want to pursue a relationship with someone they are already friends with because their chemistry is too good to risk destroying the relationship. And I've heard others say that dating someone they previously knew as a friend or coworker or classmate is out of the question because life is comfortable as is. I believe it's a risk worth taking. If your chemistry is so fantastic, it will still be intact if things don't work out. And even though you enjoy the memories you already have, making new memories might be fun.
I guess I've learned that you shouldn't freak out if you stumble upon old familiar faces along the way. It's only awkward and strange for a moment. And then it provides at the very least, a laugh. And at the most, a partner for life.
But how should you handle such a situation? As with most situations in life, honesty is definitely the best policy. You should reconnect and lay your cards on the table. Are you both on the online dating site for the same reason. If so, then the possibility is worth a second look.
Then you ask more questions like, do you have common interests and are there any glaring reasons why this might not be a good idea. And you have to assess the risks. What if it doesn't work out? Who will it affect and how will it affect our future?
I have heard many people say that they don't want to pursue a relationship with someone they are already friends with because their chemistry is too good to risk destroying the relationship. And I've heard others say that dating someone they previously knew as a friend or coworker or classmate is out of the question because life is comfortable as is. I believe it's a risk worth taking. If your chemistry is so fantastic, it will still be intact if things don't work out. And even though you enjoy the memories you already have, making new memories might be fun.
I guess I've learned that you shouldn't freak out if you stumble upon old familiar faces along the way. It's only awkward and strange for a moment. And then it provides at the very least, a laugh. And at the most, a partner for life.
January 10, 2009
Date Night with the Girls
I am finding it increasingly more fun to hang out with my friends than it is to date. Perhaps it is all of my fantastic and fun friends who are to blame for my singleness!
There is nothing like a gathering of two or more women to ignite intelligent and humorous conversation, to stir emotions and to provide affirmation or confirmation. There's nobody I'd rather share my feelings and thoughts and ideas and dreams with... There's nobody I'd rather drink mango margaritas with or conspire to to good (or bad) with...
My friends are amazing. There is endless diversity among them in age and race and political or religious beliefs. They are equal parts married and single. Some have kids, some don't... They are fat and thin and blondes and brunettes and red heads. They are short and tall. Some are slightly crazy and others are just crazy fun!
They are the people who gently shoot down my bad ideas and encourage the good ones. My friends help me make up my mind in the rare moment when I don't know what I want. They pretend to see my vision when they have no idea what I am plotting or planning and they co-pilot every spontaneous excursion on which I embark.
They laugh with me and cry with me and yell at me when I need it. They hug me when I need it too.
With the exception of sex and procreation necessities, I have everything I need in my friends. And that is why, on most occasions, I'd rather have a date night with the girls than a date with some guy.
There is nothing like a gathering of two or more women to ignite intelligent and humorous conversation, to stir emotions and to provide affirmation or confirmation. There's nobody I'd rather share my feelings and thoughts and ideas and dreams with... There's nobody I'd rather drink mango margaritas with or conspire to to good (or bad) with...
My friends are amazing. There is endless diversity among them in age and race and political or religious beliefs. They are equal parts married and single. Some have kids, some don't... They are fat and thin and blondes and brunettes and red heads. They are short and tall. Some are slightly crazy and others are just crazy fun!
They are the people who gently shoot down my bad ideas and encourage the good ones. My friends help me make up my mind in the rare moment when I don't know what I want. They pretend to see my vision when they have no idea what I am plotting or planning and they co-pilot every spontaneous excursion on which I embark.
They laugh with me and cry with me and yell at me when I need it. They hug me when I need it too.
With the exception of sex and procreation necessities, I have everything I need in my friends. And that is why, on most occasions, I'd rather have a date night with the girls than a date with some guy.
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